


Till I Kissed You

by Zaryav



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Bisexual Evan Hansen, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Pre-Relationship, Reconciliation, Zoe is a good sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaryav/pseuds/Zaryav
Summary: Connor Murphy's in love with his best friend Evan, but he needs a push to clear his feelings and perhaps an apology for a stolen kiss.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Till I Kissed You

Connor laughs at Evan's jokes all the time, no matter if they aren't funny. It's just that kind of thing that would be boring if anyone else said it, but it's funny because Evan says it.

He doesn't know why this is so, but they are a good duo and it's all he need to know. Knowing that if he has a shitty day for his anger issues ruining everything in his path, it really doesn't matter because his best friend will do some dumb joke that will make him forget the problem.

Especially since Evan became a great reason to "want to get better." Sure there are other people, his family, Zoe and himself, but Evan's always first.

He first counts the boy that he worries when he gets hurt more than normal, that he isn't afraid to get close to him, even when he can hurt him for being out of control. Evan helping him when he can't take it anymore or just listening to all his sentimental shit.

Evan's like this, a warm hug waiting to be needed to act. So sensitive that he cannot laugh when he wants to is to cry, but he does his best to help him and not plunge into his own tears.

He is a fool who was initially interested in Zoe, but who gave up the idea when he saw Alana too interested in her.

Connor doesn't say it, doesn't even dare allow it to be a free thought, but he's glad his wings were cut from the start with her.

Why? if you don't like Evan. Of course he doesn't like it. He doesn't like Evan at all. He has no weird ideas of him and his best friend being more than best friends, especially since he's Evan, he's his best friend, best support partner, and best person this shitty world has ever had.

"Thinking?" Zoe sits next to him on the sofa. Connor denies surprised to see her.

"What have you got there?"

Zoe looks down and smiles tiredly, it's what she appears to be because it's just her normal smile. "Alana and I are going to go painting outside for a bit. You know, routine stuff."

"Oh."

She looks at him with something she would call pity and slaps him on the upper back.

"I know he'll come back. Everything will be fine, you ..." Connor feels his stomach turn, strong knots, maybe the food or the weight of guilt; She bites her bottom lip hard, "I know they both need each other."

"Yes ... thanks, Zo." Zoe smiles at him and stands up to leave, but Connor stops her halfway when she is about to leave. "Do you know where he's?"

"He's your best friend, it should be ridiculously obvious to you."

Connor begs him with a confused look, Zoe laughs and denies slowly: "He must be at his house, well, he is. His mother called, you should go talk to him and fix your relationship or whatever."

"We aren't a couple," he denies.

"It was a joke, Connor." Zoe nods.

"It was."

"Yes." Pauses. "Unless you don't want it to be a joke."

"Unless I don't want to, yes."

The place's silent for a moment, Zoe sighs and shuffles to Connor returning to his side.

"Why do you go around so much?" Connor has an unresolved look, Zoe groans and takes him by the shoulders. "You really don't notice? Him? You?" He throws his head back and drops into a chair. "It's pretty obvious that you like each other, gods, I can't even believe you can be that dumb."

Connor's red, as much as a tomato, probably passing it, Zoe laughs because _Connor Murphy isn't one of those who blush_. Connor looks up at her and is looking at him with that " _Stop pretending to be a big idiot because you're not_ " look, so he gives her the " _I'm scared._ " *

Because it's the truth, he's afraid. Fear that Evan'll drive him away, or that he himself decides to do so. Not being able to joke around with his boy, that Evan's still in love with Zoe or someone else other than himself. Fear of ruining everything ... again.

"It's your final dance, Connor."

"What are you talking about?"

"He will go to another city." Connor has a terrified look and a heart in his mouth. Zoe denies and twists her mouth in a mocking smile. "Well he won't, but I wanted to put on some drama."

A soft blow lands on Zoe's arm, Connor stays like this and lowers his head, she looks at him and runs a hand on his back.

"I can't, Zoe."

"Yes you can, Connor." She pulls he away to face him. "Just relax and don't think it'll go wrong. I know Evan, and he's drooling on the sidewalk for you."

"I don't think so." 

[...]

Connor speaks to Zoe and launches himself off the cliff.

The door has already been knocked, Heidi has already promised to notify Evan that he's there and is now waiting in the room.

Sweaty hands, a pounding heart and butterflies in his stomach creating a whirlwind of truly severe problems in him. He needs to calm down or him will have a fucking attack.

Evan is going down, he knows it because it's the sound his feet make when he goes down stairs, and he has paid enough attention to know it. After all, this is what happens when you have such a close relationship with someone.

But Evan comes down and Connor isn't there, at least not visible to Evan.

"Will you continue playing?" There's no fun in his tone and his face isn't the face of someone who's like Evan from the past few months, so today isn't his Evan. "Fine."

Connor appears leaving his hiding place and closes the door when Evan has his hands on the knob ready to leave.

His heart skips, he quarrels because he was idiotic and impulsive, and he knows it when he sees Evan's gaze. It scared him and at another time it would have been stupidly funny, but not now.

Not now where Evan looks at him and his legs tremble, and where Evan looks at him and his eyes decide that the best thing is not to hold his gaze.

"I need to talk to you." Evan sighs starting to play with his fingers, but says nothing. "How have you been?"

"As good as anyone." If he didn't know Evan Hansen well enough, He'd thinks his gaze was hate, and that he wasn't having a hard time to apologizing for being rude, but he did. He knows Evan Hansen as well as he knows the way home, and he knows he wants to run away, and he wants to avoid it, but he needs answers, and so does he.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I know it wasn't right, I was stupid and impulsive and I shouldn't have ..."

"You were a... fool." Connor's silent for a few seconds and nods muttering yes. "You k-kissed me and- then you blamed me."

He presses his lower lip between his teeth with an embarrassed face and sorrowful eyes. He feels Evan's gaze scrutinizing him and avoiding him at the same time, boiling his nerves and shattering his courage.

"E-exactly you said that I ... that was what... I wanted and then you left and you didn't come back in a week, so you weren't just an idiot."

"I was an asshole, the biggest one." Connor plops down on the couch and doesn't take his eyes off his, not now because he's got the courage for whatever comes. "It was my first kiss."

There's another silence and it is not the comfortable silence that can be formed when you have known someone for years. It's the awkward silence in which Evan doesn't speak, and doesn't move, and Evan always moves.

"It wasn't my fault, Connor, and I hope you are clear on that: it wasn't something I t-took from you..."

"No, Evan." Connor stands up. "I mean ... I didn't know what to do, I don't know what to do, not with you." Evan's silent and he doesn't appreciate it, Connor doesn't like Evan's silence because then he's thinking a lot. "Evan, I really like you, and I ... thought you would hit me and burn me alive. I panicked because I kissed my best friend."

"I should have burned you alive." Connor nods and the subject fades into the room when neither speaks again in a while. "I should have hit you, but I c-couldn't because... because... I liked you too, and you broke me up a bit."

"You liked me..."

"Well yes. You still do, Connor."

"And do I have a chance?"

The looks become intense and then they burn, but they smile. _No matter what, they always smile._

"That's something only we can decide."

And they decide it's okay, it's okay to jump off the cliff because maybe it's not that deep.

Evan is like that, he seems just a nervous boy, but he isn't. He's thoughtful, funny, and brilliant in his own way, and Connor can't be more in love.

_It's real and it's the only thing that matters._

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first writing about DEH, I'm very happy although I know it isn't the best around here. 
> 
> I would be very grateful for commentaries or kudos, it isn't mandatory, but you would make me so happy.
> 
> I apologize for any errors, English isn't my mother tongue.


End file.
